My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
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Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”