Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
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My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter