Guantanamo Bae
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broke down and did it
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required