The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
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If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Danger is very dangerous
I’ve had relationships like this
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Are we there yet?…
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
how to exercise your calf muscles
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van