Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
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How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I feel attacked.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
When I snag the last meatball.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.