wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
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I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Perfect
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex