Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
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All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Cannot stop laughing at this
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.