Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
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Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.