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Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”