[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
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(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.