The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
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I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh