Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
You Might Also Like
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.