My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
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Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no