gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
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That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.