Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
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My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?