My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
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As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
#Caturday
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.