I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
You Might Also Like
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
More like Kate Missington.