A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
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♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I think this should do it.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME