I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
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I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
What a website
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership