Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
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a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.