During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
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“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting