My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
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I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect