Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
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If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka