While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
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[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
The old gods are rising again.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
ibopfufen
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga