If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
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You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.