Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
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If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
a badder mouse
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet