[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
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Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
U talkin 2 me?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO