Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
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Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Me :
All Day At Night
Mornin
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.