“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb