Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
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Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
what is cheese if not milk persevering
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
But that’s none of my business
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Eggs benadryl my favourite