When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
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The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I like long walks away from everyone
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
🤭😂
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.