Woke up against my better judgment again
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Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…