[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
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priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face