When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
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“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
What about a To-Don’t List?
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
🤔😂😂
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.