detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
catch me on valentine’s day like
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.