found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
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I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
#damn
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.