Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
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i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
how was your vacation
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet