MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
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[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those