me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
*pokes sex life with a stick
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg