mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
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GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
? 💀