In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
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I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Note to self: I am a note
What even happened today?
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.