BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
me when I see my crush
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses