[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
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…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
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If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
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The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
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