Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
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Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I self medicate, therefore you live.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.