[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
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I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
me as a parent
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.