I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
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Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?