ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
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Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.