One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
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“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.