What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
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The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
put ‘er there pardner!
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.