OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
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Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My therapist after every session